Damn It, Jim!
by Devil Wolf Girl
Summary: Ah yes. A collection of oneshots centered around your favorite starship captain. Sneak peaks include delirious Jim, explaining Bones' nickname to the crew, and a ship wide water gun war. Some chapters will be happy, some will be sad. We will just have to wait and see. Requests are welcomed!
1. I Shit You Not

**I Shit You Not**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where Jim needs help on his mission report***

Jim sat cross legged in his chair furiously typing away on a PADD. He's been trying to catch up on the paperwork he missed thanks to getting stuck in Med Bay after the last mission. Stupid over protective Bones. Stupid alien plant that bit him and caused an allergic reaction. Stupid allergies. Jim sighed, looking up from the PADD to observe his crew. All of them were working diligently at their stations.

"Can you use the term 'I shit you not' in a mission report?" Jim asked, causing his crew to look at him in confusion. Only Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, and Spock continued to look at him. The rest just went back to their work. They were afraid of getting involved with their captain's craziness.

"You shouldn't use 'I' statements Captain. One shits you not," Uhura suggested smirking.

"Also acceptable is 'this author shits you not' Keptin," Chekov continued happily. Next to him, Sulu was grinning evilly.

"It is best to avoid the 'general you'. One would not be considered shitted is the best way you could word it formally," Spock told him. Although his expression didn't change, Jim could see a glint of amusement in his eyes.

"Thank you guys. That really helps!" Jim exclaimed cheerfully, returning to the report he was writing and finishing it off quickly. The enterprise crew was only slightly bitter at the admirals for sending them on that last mission. Well, Pike was safe from their bitterness as he would find the report of thinly veiled insults hiding behind formal language. Spock looked over the report before Jim sent it in and was highly impressed.

"This is the best report you have written Captain," Spock told them.

"And I spent most of it insulting the admirals. Minus Pike," Jim mused.

"That is precisely why it is your best report," Spock replied, causing laughter from everyone. Jim made sure to share it with Bones and Scotty later.

 **Guys. I've been hit with the writer's curse! Procrastination! I have every intention to work on "Skull Centered Ideas" or "The Red Paladin" but I wrote myself into the writer's block wall. I've made like 4 sentences of progress before I can't figure out what I want to do next. I will get them finished soon! I promise!  
Okay, so this was actually based off of a picture I saw on iFunny. I just thought it would be fun for it to be used in Star Trek. **

**PLEASE REVIEW! I love reviews! Oh, requests are welcomed as well!**


	2. Nickname

**Nickname**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where Bones' nickname is explained***

"Come on Bones! You might actually have fun!" Jim slung an arm around Bones' shoulder happily. Said CMO cussed at nearly being knocked over.

"Damn it Jim! I'm holding coffee!" McCoy gruffed at the blonde captain, who merely laughed in response.

"Seriously Bones. Just come hang out for a couple hours. You'll enjoy it!" Jim exclaimed cheerfully. His friend sighed heavily.

"Fine. If it'll get you to shut up, I'll go," McCoy gave in. He would never admit the smile Jim gave him made it just a little bit worth it.

"Yay! Come on!" Jim began to pull McCoy in the direction of the Rec Room. The doctor only gave one sad glance at the paperwork he wouldn't be able to finish tonight like he had planned before letting himself get dragged away.

They were the last to arrive out of their little 'group'. Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, and Spock were scattered around in chairs in the corner of the room. Jim cheerfully dragged McCoy (who had started grumbling again) over to them, calling out their arrival. They were greeted enthusiastically by most of the others. Spock just did his normal greeting.

"You speak of the devil and he shall appear," Uhura joked, gaining grins from all around (minus our vulcan friend).

"You were talking about me huh?" Jim teased.

"Ve vere vondering how Dr. McCoy got his nickname from you Keptain," Chekov explained. Both Jim and McCoy smiled fondly at the memory.

"All of you were wondering?" McCoy asked looking around at the group as he took his own seat. Jim sat on his left, between McCoy and Spock. They all nodded. Even Spock.

"Welp! Guess that means it's story time!" Jim exclaimed clapping his hands. Chekov leaned in eagerly from his spot next to Sulu, Scotty mirroring him from next to Uhura. She had sat up straighter from her position next to Spock. Sulu had leaned forward as well but not as far as Chekov and Scotty.

"I met Bones the day after I met Uhura," Jim started. His friends hanging on his every word. "Chris, ah he was Captain Pike at the time, dared me to do better than my father after he broke up the bar fight," Jim explained.

"I always wondered what made you join starfleet," Sulu stated. Jim smirked.

"Yep. I joined on a dare. Anyway, I had just taken my seat when there's this commotion from one of the bathroom," Jim shot a pointed look at McCoy, "A man was refusing to take a seat and was arguing with one of the staff. She was finally able to convince him to take a seat by threatening him. He sat next to me and the first thing he said to me was…" Jim paused, staring at McCoy expectantly. The doctor sighed.

"I may throw up on you," McCoy mimicked the way he said it several years ago, complete with the look at Jim. This drew laughs from most of the members of the group. Obviously you know the exception to the rule. He just raised an eyebrow at the doctor.

"My response was to say that I thought the shuttles were pretty safe. In return I got a lecture," Jim pouted at the memory.

"Don't pander to me kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. A solar flare might crop up and cook us in our seats. And when you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you are so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger, wrapped in darkness and silence," McCoy repeated his 'lecture' as Jim called it. To him, it was mere common sense.

"Doctor McCoy, you are aware that starfleet operates in space correct?" Spock asked seriously. McCoy scowled as the others laughed, Jim being the loudest.  
"That's what I said!" he exclaimed. "Bonesy then said he had nowhere else to go. Wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce," Jim mimicked Bones' accent.

"All I've got left are my bones," McCoy said, "That was my mistake. He hasn't called me anything else. We even introduced ourselves two seconds later!" McCoy exclaimed in irritation.

"Trust me, he's tried so many times to get me to call him something else. Even tried bribery at one point. I think it was about a year later when he accidentally called himself Bones that he realized he would never get rid of the nickname," Jim smirked and everyone could hear the victorious tone to his voice.

"How did ye call yerself by yer nickname accidentally?" Scotty asked curiously. His eyebrow raised in confusion.

"I actually don't remember it all that well," Jim replied sheepishly. McCoy sighed from beside him, running a hand through his hair.

"He had a concussion," McCoy explained. Seeing that everyone, including Jim, was looking at him curiously he sighed again before continuing. "I'm not sure quite sure what caused it, but he was beaten up by about four guys. He had barely managed to stumble back to our room before collapsing. Scared the shit out of me at the time. I rushed over to him but he tried putting up a fight. I apparently shared similar appearances with one of the guys who was beating on him. He wouldn't let me treat his injures and I got irritated and shouted 'Damn it Jim! I'm Bones, not whoever did this to you!'. He calmed down instantly at that and let me treat his wounds without any fuss. He only spoke again when I had finished wrapping his broken ribs. 'Bones called himself Bones. Yay' he said before promptly passing out," Bones told his story quickly.  
"That actually explains some things…" Jim commented. "I didn't have a clue how I ended up in your room though. I thought I was back in my room," Jim explained to the confused looks he received.

"You seemed to get into a lot of trouble Captain," Uhura commented. Jim shrugged, unapologetically.

"Seemed? You've got it wrong. He still gets into a lot of trouble," Sulu joked playfully.

"Yeah! Like ze time ze Keptain got stuck in ze air vents," Chekov chimed in happily.

"Or when we go to a planet and the inhabitants take one look at him and try to sacrifice him," Bones grumbled.

"Aye. He got hit in the noggin by several pipes because he was trying to read a PADD while in engineering," Scotty told them.

"I seem to remember the captain recently was attacked by a plant that wanted to eat him," Spock gave his own two cents.

"Seriously! Spock! Bones! I thought you would be on my side!" Jim yelled. Everyone knew he was only pretend angry which had them all laughing (Raised eyebrow in Spock's case but same diff.) at Jim. He slumped back in his seat with crossed arms and a pout. "Mutiny. It's mutiny I tell you," he grumbled at them.

 **Done! I know, I know. I need to be working on SCI but my brain is in a star trek mode right now. I'm working on it I swear! It's just slow. I get like 2-5 sentences a day before I run out of ideas.**

 **Please review! I love getting reviews! Requests will always be open and I'll be staring on them when it comes time for chapter 5. Whenever the number of the chapter ends in a 5 or 0 it will be a requested chapter.**


	3. Gratitude

**Gratitude**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where Jim gives a speech about being a captain***

Jim sometimes wonders what he got into when he ended up captain of the Enterprise. Okay, so getting to explore space was really cool. So was having his own ship. But this? This was just plain torture. He had to give a lecture to a bunch of cadets about what it was like being a captain. Thankfully he wasn't alone. He had his friends with him to join in the suffering...I mean lecturing. Scotty, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Bones, and Spock stood behind Jim, waiting until it would be their turn to contribute to the lecture. Each one had various hidden displeasure at being here. Spock and Uhura being the best at masking it, Bones and Scotty weren't even trying, and Chekov and Sulu were doing okay but they weren't the best at it.

"Let's be honest here guys, my promotion to captain wasn't normal in any sense of the word," Jim said, going with his method of Winging It. That usually worked out best for him. "I joined starfleet on a dare from Admiral Pike, who at the time was the Captain of the Enterprise. I hated starfleet with a passion and yet, here I am. I bet you are wondering how does a guy go from hating starfleet to becoming a captain of their flagship? It was the people." Jim noticed that every single person in the room was hanging off his every word. Teachers, students, and crewmates alike. "First Uhura, who I met at a bar then who witnessed me getting my ass kicked by some other cadets. Then Bones, who's first words to me were that he might puke on me. Then Sulu, who after knowing me for all of twenty minutes saved my skin with his ninja fencing skills. And Chekov, who beamed two people falling through the air back onto the ship. Scotty, who was stranded on Delta Vega for an accident involving Admiral Archer's beagle. And lastly Spock, who somehow became my best friend despite our rough beginnings. And there were a few of them, starting with the Kobayashi Maru. I'll be the first to admit, I don't know how I became friends with any of them. It just sorta happened one day. If I had never joined starfleet I would have never of met any of them and eventually I would have self destructed and burned myself out. Without them...without them I am a nobody. Just a farm kid from Iowa. But with them? I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise." Jim paused to sigh and run a hand through his hair. "Being a captain isn't about sitting in a comfy chair and watching people work under him. It's hard. When things go wrong, it's the captain that has to notify the family of those that lost their lives. It's the captain that makes choices which could hurt the people he cares about. It's the captain who makes sure things are running smoothly in a day to day environment. But it's the crew that keeps the captain going. Bones is always there with his terrible bedside manner to patch me up when things go wrong. Uhura is always ready to banter and is fully prepared to keep my ego in check. Sulu is always ready to spar or just to talk to about the most random things. Chekov is always bouncing around and can keep up when I start talking advanced coding to myself. Scotty makes amazing sandwiches and can go on for hours at a time talking about the enterprise mechanics. Spock is there with a chess board every night and his sunshine disposition for company. Each and every one of them keep me going. If any of you students are trying to become captain then don't give up. Yes. Being a captain is hard. But at the end of the day, when the captain knows his crew is safe and watching his back, it's a feeling that makes every single struggle worth it. On any starship, the crew becomes your family. It may sound cliche but it's true. Before starfleet I had nobody. Now? I have my entire crew as a family. All 937 members of the enterprise are important to me and it is my job as captain to make sure they are taken care of while in space." Jim paused to look over the crowd of cadets in front of him. So many of them were staring at him with determined, awed, and slightly somber faces. He smiled. "The only real killer is the paperwork. I'm telling you guys now, if it weren't for Spock helping me I wouldn't be able to sleep if I wanted to get all the forms signed before their deadlines. Whoever decided it was a smart thing to send the captain a hundred and fifty forms that need to be looked over and signed in the next two days needs to get some sense knocked into them. But other than the paperwork, I'm glad to be the captain of my ship. There's no other place I'd want to be than in space with my crew," Jim ended his speech, looking over at his cre- no friends with a wide grin. Bones was the first to come over and clap Jim on the shoulder.

"Don't let this idiot sell himself short. He does so much for our ship that none of us could ever hope to repay him," Bones announced. He held up a hand when Jim went to protest. "Zip it! You said your part now it's our turn."

"Dr. McCoy is right Captain. You say that we keep you going but you have to realize you do the same for us. You are always there to help us when we need it, and sometimes even when we don't," Uhura continued.

"You got us a shore leave just so I could be home for my daughter's birthday. You didn't have to do that and I don't even know how you knew, but that doesn't change the fact that you _did_ do it. Most captains wouldn't go that far for their crew," Sulu spoke with absolute certainty.

"Aye lad. You even spend yer free time in engineering when you could be relaxing," Scotty chimed in.

"Ze Keptin has been learning Russian so he could conwerse with me. Ozer members of ze crew have mentioned ze same zing," Chekov added next.

"The Captain tends to overwork himself 19.73 percent more than other captains in order to assist the crew. Additionally, the Captain is more likely to do something himself than ask someone else to do it. The likelihood of this increases 71.98 percent if there is a chance the crewmember would risk being harmed," Spock added his two cents causing Jim to sigh.

"Guys. Seriously, I don't do that much," Jim tried to protest again but Bones wasn't having any of it. The doctor was quick to smack the back of Jim's head. There were shocked gasps from the crowd, many waiting to see McCoy get in trouble for attacking his captain. Except Jim only let out a whine and rubbed the back of his head. "Bones! That hurt," Jim pouted. Bones simply rolled his eyes.

"Then stop underestimating how much we care for you, idiot," Bones announced. Jim smiled sheepishly and nodded. He seemed to remember there were spectators in the room and turned his attention back to the crowd.

"As you guys can tell, this crew is certainly special. I may make mistakes but I know these guys won't let me be an idiot. Or at least, won't let me be an idiot by myself. They have my back just as much as I have theirs. And I wouldn't have it any other way," Jim finished his speech with a wide smile towards his crew, amidst the roaring applause coming from cadets and their teachers.

 **Whew. Been working on this one for awhile. I'm happy that I finished it. I'll admit, this wasn't at all what I was going for. But hey, that's what happens in writing.**

 **I chose to update this because this was the only thing I was close to finishing. My other stories have chapters started but I've been busy this week since I had to babysit so I didn't get to write as much. If all goes well, I'll have several updates for you guys next week!**

 **Please review! Reviews are fun!**


	4. Of Cars And Cliffs

**Of Cars And Cliffs**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where the crew learns Jim was always a reckless idiot***

Jim was feeling a serious sense of impending doom mixed with deja vu as the wind whipped through his hair at high speeds. Ironically, the impending doom came more from what his crew would think of his little stunt than the hostiles trying to kill him. The stunt was actually what was giving him deja vu. All he needed was Sabotage by Beastie Boys to be playing and he'd really be reliving his childhood.

Well...with a few key differences. Instead of an antique car, he was in a half destroyed shuttle craft. Instead of being on Earth he was on a planet called Cragun. And instead of a cop chasing him it was several hostile natives. Oh, and he had a passenger in the form of Sulu beside him instead of being alone.

"Sulu! I'm about to do something crazy! When I tell you to jump, jump out of the shuttle!" Jim shouted to be heard over the phaser blasts and wind. Sulu gave him an odd look but nodded nonetheless. His eyes widened as Jim made a sharp left turn...straight towards the edge of the cliff. Jim couldn't help but let out a whoop of excitement as he pushed the shuttle to go faster and faster. The more distance between them and the hostiles, the better his plan would work.

Jim waited, mentally calculating the distance until they would need to jump. Then "NOW!" he shouted to Sulu. Both men wasted no time in diving out the sides of the shuttle and hitting the ground hard. They both slid from their momentum but neither followed the shuttle over the edge. Jim didn't waste any time in scrambling to his feet and dragging Sulu behind a nearby rock formation. He could tell the navigator was still stunned from the jump. Sulu opened his mouth to say something but Jim covered it with a hand, making the universal Shh symbol with the other.

The Cragun hostiles had arrived. They exited their own shuttles and were peering over the edge of the cliff. Jim didn't dare breath as they muttered amongst themselves and only released it once they had returned to their shuttles and were far away from him. Once the Craguns were out of sight he released Sulu and let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I can not believe that actually worked!" Sulu exclaimed. Jim looked at him, feeling the same glee and utter relief at having managed to escape. "How did you know that would work?"

"I'd done it before. Sorta," Jim said with a shrug. Before Sulu could respond (likely to demand a better explanation) they found themselves being beamed aboard the Enterprise. Jim barely had time to blink before a tricorder was being shoved in his face.

"I'm fine Bones. Minor scrapes from the jump," Jim said pushing the tricorder away and beginning the walk to the bridge.

"Jump! What jump? This was supposed to be an easy mission Jim!" Bones griped, following Jim and muttering complaints the whole way. At least he had started waving the tricorder over Sulu instead of Jim. Same results. Just minor scrapes and a couple bruises.

"It was awesome!" Sulu declared once they had reached the bridge. "The captain had us jump out of the shuttle just before it went over a cliff. Made the natives think we had went over with it! It was genius," Sulu praised.

"Was not. It only worked because there were rocks nearby. Last time I did that maneuver it was in a desert and I got caught by the cop," Jim waved off the praise. He grabbed a padd from Spock and sat in his chair to begin filing his report.

"Keptin? Vhat do you mean by last time?" Chekov asked curiously. Jim sighed, knowing that his little slip would make all of them curious. And yep. The whole command crew, plus Scotty and Bones, were looking at him expectantly.

"You guys really want to hear the story that bad? It's not even a good one," Jim said. As one, the entire crew nodded. Jim knew he couldn't get out of story time when even Spock was curious.

"When I was about thirteen, my stepfather Frank was planning to sell my dad's antique car. I was already angry because Sam had left earlier that day. So when Frank said that I decided to do something about it. Naturally he called the cops on me but I didn't really care. Not like they could do anything to a minor. Drove the car off a cliff and jumped out last second. Almost went over because I didn't account for the momentum but I didn't. Frank threw a hissy fit and the car is still at the bottom of the ravine," Jim shrugged.

"That sounds epic," Sulu whispered to Chekov happily. And based on the way Bones was now glaring at the pilot, their CMO disagreed with that statement. Jim snorted lightly. Sulu was more of an adrenaline junky than Jim was. That was saying something, as Jim had his moments. Most of said moments centered around bad luck and doing the crazy stuff in order to live but occasionally Jim did seek out the crazy adrenaline pumping thrills intentionally. As in, when not on a mission so he didn't have to stress.

Jim had a feeling (one of resigned acceptance) that by this time tomorrow, the story of how he drove a car off a cliff when he was a teen would be spread to the whole crew. He honestly didn't understand it. That was honestly tame compared to some of the stuff he's pulled before.

 **I actually wanted to work on a different idea but since this chapter was half finished I needed to complete it first. You guys might get lucky, depending on how long I can stay focused, and get two chapters today. I'm not sure how long it'll take to write the idea I actually wanted to work on when clicking on this doc.**

 **Thanks for everyone's support! Please continue to Review, Follow, and Favorite! Remember that Requests are always welcomed!**


	5. Catchphrase

**Catchphrase**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where McCoy accidentally gave the Enterprise a catchphrase***

It was a starfleet assembly. Some lame formal event that nobody wanted to attend but didn't have much of a choice. Jim, as captain, was required to attend. As was Spock. The rest of his friends (Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu) came so that the duo didn't suffer alone. Weren't they the best?

Anyway, it was speech time. Admiral after Admiral gave a small speech to the gathered crowd. The Enterprise group was doing a fantastic job of fake listening. It was a trick they learned in the academy, and mastered at these formal events. Or when one of the disliked admirals called to lecture Jim over his decision on a mission.

They only truly started paying attention when Pike was called up to deliver his speech. Pike was literally the only Admiral they liked. Sure, there were some that they were friendly with, but Pike was the favorite. Hands down.

"I know you all are probably counting the minutes until this event is over and you can leave," Pike joked earning many laughs. See? He gets it. "So I'll keep this short and sweet. A long time ago a friend of mine said something to me. He said that space is-" Pike paused at the interruption of the enterprise crew. When asked, they could only blame the previous three hours of absolute boredom for what happened.

"Disease and danger. Wrapped in darkness and silence," they said as one. Yes, even Spock. Only Bones spoke the words in a grumpy tone. Everyone else was amused. They only realized the had interrupted Pike when they noticed the rest of the room staring at them silently. Half the room looked at them in irritation, while the other half looked afraid for them. Nobody has ever interrupted an Admiral before.

"Ahh. Sorry Admiral Pike. Please continue," Jim said, a blush dusting across his cheeks. The boredom must have been getting to them, if they had slipped up like that. They usually only kept their snarky comments to themselves.

"Thank you captain. I can see the Enterprise has their own unique motto for space. Not exactly the phrase I was going for," Pike gave Jim an amused and slightly indulgent smile before returning to his speech. Luckily Pike was the last Admiral who had to give a speech. Then the assembly was officially over.

Their little outburst ended up being splashed across the news the next morning.

 **Not exactly what I had planned but I like it anyway. You guys know the drill! Please Review, Favorite, and Follow! Requests are always welcomed! Thanks to everyone who has supported this!**


	6. Ruined Orgasm

**Ruined Orgasms**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

 ***The one where Jim helps an Ensign***

Jim didn't mean to overhear. Honest. He was more focused on making it to the mess hall so he could get some lunch. He was supposed to meet with Bones and Spock to go over some work stuff. So if he was late then they were gonna have his hide.

He was about three turns away from reaching the mess hall when he heard two people arguing. It wasn't until he got closer that he managed to hear what they were saying.

"Well aren't you sugar, spice, and everything nice," one of the voices said in a deadpanned tone. Jim rounded the corner and saw that it was Ensign Gardner that said this. Long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was of the science division under Spock. He mentioned her once in passing. Said she had some really creative and out of the box problem solving skills. Coming from Spock, that's high praise. Her full name is Rachael Gardner.

The other, Ensign Foster, was in the security division. He wrapped himself in bandages to cover up some pretty nasty burn scars he received as a kid. He's the only red shirt that has been shot multiple times and still come out alive. He was a little weird, and on one mission Jim saw him fight with a scythe, but he was a damn fine security officer. Full name is Issac "Zack" Foster.

"Well aren't you rudeness, sarcasm and...uhh," Ensign Foster trailed off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

"No, go on. If you find something that rhymes with sarcasm and makes sense I'll read your book over mine tonight," Ensign Gardner said calmly. Really? That's what they were arguing about? A book? Jim decided this was his cue to intervene, since he needed to get past them in order to get to the mess hall in time.

"Ruined orgasm," Jim said walking past. Both tensed up, likely having not noticed him. He saw both of their hands twitch for a weapon but they caught themselves in time.

"Sir?" Ensign Gardner asked, her head tilted to the side in confusion.

"Ruined orgasm. It rhymes with sarcasm and makes sense," Jim stated. He wasn't expecting Ensign Foster to laugh (it was more of a screeching cackle) but did little more than blink.

"He's got ya there Ray," Ensign Foster said patting the girl on her head. He paused, and looked between them for a moment.

"You sure you two aren't related? Cause you look similar," Ensign Foster said. Jim and 'Ray' looked at the other.

"We do share similar hair and eye colors but that is about it," she said.

"He has the kind of eyes Danny would want," Ensign Foster smirked at Jim.

"That is true," Ensign Gardner said. Jim was quickly learning that her normal tone of voice was deadpanned.

"Welp. Sorry to cut this conversation short but Bones is waiting for me in the mess. If I don't leave now he'll hypo me into oblivion," Jim said, making his way around them calmly. They let him pass easily. Jim waved goodbye to them, throwing a small smile in their direction as he calmly made his way to the mess hall.

"Weird. His smile doesn't make me want to stab him," he heard Ensign Foster say before Jim made it fully out of earshot.

"I guess I have to read your book tonight after all," Ensign Gardner said. Jim smiled to himself as Ensign Foster cheered happily. They were a weird duo but hey, weren't they all?

 **Whoop! Another chapter done! You may or may not have recognized the characters I borrowed. I'm currently in the Angels of Death fandom as well as Star Trek and when I was trying to figure out the details to this chapter, I decided that Zack and Rachael would make a little cameo. Angels of Death is definitely in the top 10 of my favorite anime so I highly recommend it.**

 **Thanks to everyone who's Followed, Favorited, and Reviewed! Please continue to do so!**


	7. Code Tag

**Code Tag**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Star Trek**

*The one where Bones tries to give Jim a hypo and Jim flees*

"Attention crew of the Enterprise and guests," Uhura's voice came over the speakers, causing Spock to raise an eyebrow. "A Code Tag has been initiated. If you are in the halls be careful. That is all."

Spock almost sighed. The only reason he didn't was because his father and several other members of the Vulcan High Council were with him. A code tag could go on for hours without interference.

"I believe it is best we put the tour on hold for the moment. It is unwise to be wandering the halls until the all clear has been given," Spock said calmly to the elders. If they were human it is likely (87.35% to be exact) that they would be giving him varying expressions of confusion. But since they were Vulcan, Spock was only given raised eyebrows and nods. Unfortunately, the closest room that could hold the group without disturbing the normal working process or any ongoing experiments was three hundred thirty-six feet away from his current position.

The group was only fifty-seven point two feet away from safety when the reason for the code tag was made clear. James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, was sprinting towards the group with Doctor McCoy right behind him. The captain took on an expression of panic upon seeing the group but did not slow down. Instead, he veered towards the wall and executed something the humans called 'parkour' to kick off the walls and over the group of Vulcans.

"Spock! Grab him!" Doctor McCoy yelled. The Doctor had slowed down seventeen point eight percent as he went through the group. This time Spock did sigh out loud. He did, however, do as the doctor said. Seven point nine strides had him closing the distance between him and their captain. One point two strides more enabled him to snatch their captain around the middle and haul him over his shoulder.

"Oi! Spock put me down!" Jim yelled, failing his limbs around in an attempt to dislodge Spock's hold.

"Negative Captain. The sooner you receive your vaccine the sooner you can return to your job and I to mine," Spock stated. The mention of hypos only made Jim struggle more. Spock actually had to pause and readjust his hold on the captain. He was quite...wriggly. If Spock was fully human then there was no doubt Jim would have already been able to escape his hold.

"Mutiny! You're supposed to be on my side Spock!" Jim yelled. Spock didn't think it was possible for Jim to flail about any more than he already was, but as Doctor McCoy approached his struggles increased.

"I am on your side Captain. It is my job as your first officer to make sure you are in peak health. That means assisting Doctor McCoy in making sure you receive the proper vaccines," Spock said calmly. This was a scenario/argument they've had many (341) times in the past four years. As usual, Doctor McCoy didn't hesitate to jab the hypo into the Captain's neck. This needed to be done before Spock could put Jim down, as Jim would only run away again.

"Stop whining infant! Everyone else on the ship had their vaccines weeks ago!" McCoy yelled. Spock took this as his cue to set the Captain back on the ground.

"But Bones," he whined. "You're always so mean when giving me hypos. I'll have bruises for days afterwards!"

"Then stop pissing me off by avoiding them!"

"Captain, Doctor. Please excuse me. I have to finish giving the tour," Spock said. He waited until the two men nodded and walked to a computer screen in the wall.

"Attention crew of the Enterprise. The Code Tag is now lifted. Please return to your normal schedule," Spock said, broadcasting the message across the ship. He then turned to his father and the other diplomats.

"Let us return to our tour elders," Spock said. Had he stayed turned around instead of retaking his place at the front of the group, he would have seen several Vulcans show an expression of utter bafflement. As it was, Sulu would point it out to Jim when he reviewed the security footage.

 **The only con about summer is that when you go swimming suddenly several hours go by and you think "wait. I need that time to write". Well...that's not the only con. The main con is bugs. I hate them. Always end up with multiple bug bites if I stay outside for even a couple minutes. Never fun.**

 **No idea what the next chapter will be! Hope it's a good one.**

 **Please continue to Follow, Favorite, and Review! And thanks to everyone who has done so since the last chapter!**


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